It was another action packed day in the Mechanical Engineering building where I found myself doing homework in the lobby, you know, explaining how to create universes and stuff, when some good friends stopped by to chit chat. Once again I found myself laughing at their invitations to join their escapade to conquer Italy. I mean I was thrilled that they were going, don’t get me wrong, but it never once had crossed my mind that I could study abroad, see other countries and have dastardly adventures that would later go on to inspire Oscar, Golden Globe, and MTV award winning flicks. Sounds awesome, no doubt, but nah not in my immediate plans. Thanking them once again for their consideration I finished up my dissertation of a homework assignment.
So it should be no surprise the surprise I received about an email about a prized scholarship I would later go on to praise. The email was from none other than Laura Moix, Study Abroad Program Manager and Coordinator at the U of A. Apparently I had a great shot at getting the Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship which is a pretty awesome award. That email might as well have been a dragon piercing black arrow going through my skull (source: The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug) because after reading that message all I could think was: “study abroad…..Italy….automotive engineering….sweet….maybe?” But let’s skip to the good stuff.
With two weeks or so left before the scholarship and program deadlines I worked my tail off to prepare my application requirements and got them submitted in the nick of time. Few weeks later, open email, “Congratulations…”, freakin out………squealed like a girl, emailed Laura. After getting my t-shirt and souvy cup from Cloud 9 I managed to read the next message from Laura asking me to blog about my Gilman award. I eagerly promised I would and immediately after sending my response I thought “Wait, what?”………Looking back I think I was filled with such gratitude for receiving the award that I woulda said yes to anything. Do your homework? Heck yeah! My debit card? No problem, take it! Here’s the PIN! A kidney?……..Take bo– OK, maybe not, but point is I kinda stumbled into this blog. Don’t worry though! I promise I’m willingly and gladly writing on this new blog I’ve crafted as I’ll soon share (cue flashback harp melody once again).And that, Charlie Brown, is how you find yourself a newborn blogger. Now as you might imagine this is the part where I start saying how grateful I am with adjectives like “incredible” and “amazing” and “unbelievable” to describe other words like “opportunity” and “dream” or “adventure”. Mmm. Not quite. Or really what I mean is that that’s not enough because quite frankly I’m still not fully awake to what’s happening. Confused? I wouldn’t be surprised, but let me put it like this: The closer my departure date gets the more I become aware of how grand this small study abroad trip is evolving and how its impact is gripping roots into my life, all the way through to my very personality. Funnily enough I just wanted to go learn about automotive engineering, see some fast cars and kick it with local Italians. My inner nerd jumped headfirst into this so I really couldn’t ask for anything more.
Yet once I knew that this was happening, once I knew there was no going back, when the flight had been scheduled, visa received, and officially admitted as a student in Italy, I was encroached upon by a slow and relentless draft of……numbness. That’s the best word I can find in Webster’s to explain my state at that moment. I was stoked that it was happening but for some reason I wasn’t ecstatic and at the same time I wasn’t really sad about anything. But I need to wrap this up so I can let you get back to your life, and yes I promise I’m going to bring up my Gilman Scholarship and how grateful I am for it (Laura), I just need to set up why ;)
It wasn’t until this Christmas break when I was home visiting the ol’ folks and fambam and friends that I finally got a foot hold on what was swimming around in my head in a conversation with my old man. My father is descended from hawks. He has to be because that man can spot when the tiniest thing is out of place with me. When we were alone he finally asked why I was depressed. Unfortunately his keen insight is equally impaired by a tendency for extremes. I laughed shakily, and reassured him I wasn’t depressed for sure…though at the same time I wasn’t really sure what was goin on with me either.
But after answering a few of his questions it dawned on me. Sweet revelation. There more I talked the more I began to understand and see this study abroad trip for what it actually was. My own words revealed to me that my numbness wasn’t a dissatisfaction with my life or career or family or friends. It was simply a readiness for more. I wasn’t fully comfortable even being home because honestly there was, and has always been, a strongly suppressed ember of desire for something new, something drastically different than everything I’d ever known. Yeah you read that right. Strongly suppressed. You should know why though. I bet anything I own that you’ve felt this suppression before and might even be feeling now and just merely have accepted it.
I came to explain to my father and myself that I couldn’t stand to hear anybody tell someone else that their goals and dreams were too high, unreachable; to hear one person tell another to “be real about it” and keep their feet on the ground. Sure, they’re just “lookin out for you” but those words do more damage than good. Approaching my senior year of engineering, I realized I had allowed myself to be influenced into giving up my own dreams and simply follow the norm. Get a job, make good money, have some kidos, etc. But now that this Italy thing is goin down, I realize I AM NOT READY FOR THAT! Don’t misinterpret what I said though! I would consider myself blessed to reach those things in life, they’re awesome! But…….It’s not what I need right now. So there in my parent’s living room with my father playing psychologist I came to understand that I was Neo from The Matrix.
Like badboy, super cool Neo, I had become aware of a desire for more. That the world I lived in couldn’t possible be the real deal. Was that it? And yes, in case you’re wondering, just like my boy Neo I also have gymnast flexability and can dodge bullets. I say that because I’ve come to understand how rare it is to do what I’m doing. I mean how many people can say not just that they’re traveling the world, no, that’s too small, but that they’re doing exactly what they’ve always wanted to do with their life? That they’re at the threshold of achieving dreams formed when they were a child? With the heart of a child? And I had been so CONFIDENT that nothing my friends said could change my mind about going to Italy…..
Thinking about this made me feel like I had just crossed the Grand Canyon on a tightrope. That’s when I saw the countless number of times I could have fallen off and obliterated my dreams. That’s when I saw all of the dodged bullets of my life and that to reach you’re dream you really do have to bend over backwards to get them, like Neo :) I know you might be thinking “Well…yeah cool..but Neo got shot”. ‘Course he did. Do you honestly think you won’t fall down a few times trying to reach that prize you’re after? Yeah. Neo got shot but that bullet didn’t kill him, and like he went on to show: if it don’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger. And yes, it’s only the people who are ready to do anything, to face anything, that accept struggle and pain and sacrifice, that can reach their dreams. Only then can you learn to fly……..the super kung fu stuff is optional… ;)
So to the great folks at Gilman International, I would like to say thank you. You undoubtedly have my greatest appreciation that at the moment just keeps growing to unmeasurable heights. Not for helping in funding my study abroad trip with such a generous scholarship, but for waking me up to what I had almost lost. Thank you for helping me fuel that small ember for something more into an internal combustion engine that drives me forward to the things that I need most for myself (excuse the engineering metaphor).
Of course my gratitude also extends to Laura Moix. I’ll always think of the moment I read that email as a moment where my life took a completely different direction. Thanks :)
“You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can’t do somethin themselves, they wanna tell you YOU can’t do it. You want somethin, go get it. Period”
