Before I get going on the core of this post where I humbly and
sincerely give thanks for an amazing scholarship I’ve recently received
I’d just like to point out I’ve been able to figure most of this
blogging stuff out but honestly I think the most difficult thing is
knowing exactly what I want to say about everything going on. But to
fill you in on what I mean let me take you on a magic carpet ride about
how this whole blog thing got started (cue flashback harp melody):
It was another action packed day in the Mechanical
Engineering building where I found myself doing homework in the lobby,
you know, explaining how to create universes and stuff, when some good
friends stopped by to chit chat. Once again I found myself laughing at
their invitations to join their escapade to conquer Italy. I mean I was
thrilled that they were going, don’t get me wrong, but it never once had
crossed my mind that I could study abroad, see other countries and have
dastardly adventures that would later go on to inspire Oscar, Golden
Globe, and MTV award winning flicks. Sounds awesome, no doubt, but nah
not in my immediate plans. Thanking them once again for their
consideration I finished up my dissertation of a homework assignment.
So it should be no surprise the surprise I received
about an email about a prized scholarship I would later go on to praise.
The email was from none other than Laura Moix, Study Abroad Program
Manager and Coordinator at the U of A. Apparently I had a great shot at
getting the Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship which is a
pretty awesome award. That email might as well have been a dragon
piercing black arrow going through my skull (source: The Hobbit:
Desolation of Smaug) because after reading that message all I could
think was: “study abroad…..Italy….automotive engineering….sweet….maybe?”
But let’s skip to the good stuff.
With two weeks or so left before the scholarship and
program deadlines I worked my tail off to prepare my application
requirements and got them submitted in the nick of time. Few weeks
later, open email, “Congratulations…”, freakin out………squealed like a
girl, emailed Laura. After getting my t-shirt and souvy cup from Cloud 9
I managed to read the next message from Laura asking me to blog about
my Gilman award. I eagerly promised I would and immediately after
sending my response I thought “Wait, what?”………Looking back I think I was
filled with such gratitude for receiving the award that I woulda said
yes to anything.
Do your homework? Heck yeah!
My debit card? No problem, take it! Here’s the PIN!
A kidney?……..Take bo– OK, maybe not, but point is I kinda
stumbled into this blog. Don’t worry though! I promise I’m willingly and
gladly writing on this new blog I’ve crafted as I’ll soon share (cue
flashback harp melody once again).
And that, Charlie Brown, is how you find yourself a newborn
blogger. Now as you might imagine this is the part where I start saying
how grateful I am with adjectives like “incredible” and “amazing” and
“unbelievable” to describe other words like “opportunity” and “dream” or
“adventure”. Mmm. Not quite. Or really what I mean is that that’s not
enough because quite frankly I’m still not fully awake to what’s
happening. Confused? I wouldn’t be surprised, but let me put it like
this: The closer my departure date gets the more I become aware of how
grand this small study abroad trip is evolving and how its impact is
gripping roots into my life, all the way through to my very
personality. Funnily
enough I just wanted to go learn about automotive engineering, see some
fast cars and kick it with local Italians. My inner nerd jumped
headfirst into this so I really couldn’t ask for anything more.
Yet once I knew that this was happening, once I knew there was no
going back, when the flight had been scheduled, visa received, and
officially admitted as a student in Italy, I was encroached upon by a
slow and relentless draft of……numbness. That’s the best word I can find
in Webster’s to explain my state at that moment. I was stoked that it
was happening but for some reason I wasn’t ecstatic and at the same time
I wasn’t really sad about anything. But I need to wrap this up so I can
let you get back to your life, and yes I promise I’m going to bring up
my Gilman Scholarship and how grateful I am for it (Laura), I just need
to set up
why ;)
It wasn’t until this Christmas break when I was home visiting the ol’
folks and fambam and friends that I finally got a foot hold on what was
swimming around in my head in a conversation with my old man. My father
is descended from hawks. He has to be because that man can spot when
the tiniest thing is out of place with me. When we were alone he finally
asked why I was depressed. Unfortunately his keen insight is equally
impaired by a tendency for extremes. I laughed shakily, and reassured
him I wasn’t depressed for sure…though at the same time I wasn’t really
sure what was goin on with me either.
But after answering a few of his
questions it dawned on me. Sweet revelation. There more I talked the
more I began to understand and see this study abroad trip for what it
actually was. My own words revealed to me that my numbness wasn’t a
dissatisfaction with my life or career or family or friends. It was
simply a readiness for more. I wasn’t fully comfortable even being home
because honestly there was, and has always been, a strongly suppressed
ember of desire for something new, something drastically different than
everything I’d ever known. Yeah you read that right. Strongly
suppressed. You should know why though. I bet anything I own that you’ve
felt this suppression before and might even be feeling now and just
merely have
accepted it.
I came to explain to my father and myself that I couldn’t stand to
hear anybody tell someone else that their goals and dreams were too
high, unreachable; to hear one person tell another to “be real about it”
and keep their feet on the ground. Sure, they’re just “lookin out for
you” but those words do more damage than good. Approaching my senior
year of engineering, I realized I had
allowed myself to be
influenced into giving up my own dreams and simply follow the norm. Get a
job, make good money, have some kidos, etc. But now that this Italy
thing is goin down, I realize I AM NOT READY FOR THAT! Don’t
misinterpret what I said though! I would consider myself blessed to
reach those things in life, they’re awesome! But…….It’s not what I need
right now. So there in my parent’s living room with my father playing
psychologist I came to understand that I was Neo from The Matrix.
Like badboy, super cool Neo, I had become aware of a desire for more.
That the world I lived in couldn’t possible be the real deal. Was that
it? And yes, in case you’re wondering, just like my boy Neo I also have
gymnast flexability and can dodge bullets. I say that because I’ve come
to understand how rare it is to do what I’m doing. I mean how many
people can say not just that they’re traveling the world, no, that’s too
small, but that they’re doing exactly what they’ve always wanted to do
with their life? That they’re at the threshold of achieving dreams
formed when they were a child? With the heart of a child? And I had been
so CONFIDENT that nothing my friends said could change my mind about
going to Italy…..
Thinking about this made me feel like I had just crossed the Grand
Canyon on a tightrope. That’s when I saw the countless number of times I
could have fallen off and obliterated my dreams. That’s when I saw all
of the dodged bullets of my life and that to reach you’re dream you
really do have to bend over backwards to get them, like Neo :) I know
you might be thinking “Well…yeah cool..but Neo got shot”. ‘Course he
did. Do
you honestly think you won’t fall down a few times trying to reach that
prize you’re after? Yeah. Neo got shot but that bullet didn’t kill him,
and like he went on to show:
if it don’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger. And
yes, it’s only the people who are ready to do anything, to face
anything, that accept struggle and pain and sacrifice, that can reach
their dreams. Only then can you learn to fly……..the super kung fu stuff
is optional… ;)
So to the great folks at Gilman International, I would like to say
thank you. You undoubtedly have my greatest appreciation that at the
moment just keeps growing to unmeasurable heights. Not for helping in
funding my study abroad trip with such a generous scholarship, but for
waking me up to what I had almost lost. Thank you for helping me fuel
that small ember for something more into an internal combustion engine
that drives me forward to the things that I need most for myself (excuse
the engineering metaphor).
Of course my gratitude also extends to Laura Moix. I’ll always think
of the moment I read that email as a moment where my life took a
completely different direction. Thanks :)
“You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People
can’t do somethin themselves, they wanna tell you YOU can’t do it. You
want somethin, go get it. Period”
Find out more about the University of Politecnico Exchange with the College of Engineering at http://studyabroad.uark.edu/exchange/pdt
About the Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship Program
The Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship Program (
http://www.iie.org/Programs/Gilman-Scholarship-Program)
offers grants for U.S. citizen undergraduate students of limited
financial means to pursue academic studies abroad. Such international
study is intended to better prepare U.S. students to assume significant
roles in an increasingly global economy and interdependent world.