Pre-departure Sentimentality #HogsAbroad

Yesterday I attended the pre-departure orientation for students spending the next semester abroad. I was excited. Am excited. But a new feeling has joined the excitement, as the time has come closer, and the only thing I have been able to come across that encapsulates it is “Numinous: describing an experience that makes you fearful, yet fascinated; awed, yet attracted- the powerful, personal feeling of being overwhelmed and inspired”. I wouldn’t call myself a dependent person, actually quite the opposite, I have taken dozens of trips, some alone, some with people. But this is somehow vastly different for me emotionally… and I think it has to do with what I am leaving behind, Fayetteville. I have never been so emotionally connected to a place as I have to this place, at this time.

It’s funny because even 3 years ago I didn’t know the place existed. This morning, a friend of mine asked me how I chose Arkansas and my answer is always so vague. I don’t know. I don’t know how I got here or why… it just kind of happened. But I do know a series of things, both large and small, had to go just perfectly wrong for me to end up here. Anytime I am asked about why I chose Arkansas, it gets me thinking. I think about everything that my life was, even the day before I left, and how over the course of hours, days, weeks, months, years… I have landed exactly here. What astounds me is that I couldn’t have planned my life to go this way, no matter how meticulous my planning. The good Lord placed me here in His perfect timing. And I know that what I have planned for my future will probably deviate as well. I am okay with that. A couple of years ago I would have probably had a panic attack at the thought of my life going so far from what was premeditated, but I am at peace now.

With my upcoming semester abroad, I am anxious… but as of today, I am a bit afraid too. I don’t think it’s the experience so much that I am afraid of, I think it has more to do with the impending heart ache I will face, I am going to miss the people with whom I have grown close, I am going to miss walking past Old Main to get to class and taking a moment to just soak in the beauty, I am going to miss my dog, I am going to miss my church, I am going to miss that wonderful fellowship, I am going to miss experiences, I am going to miss memories. I know that it is only temporary, I know that the experience will fly by, and I will be sure to take in and appreciate every portion of every minute that I have. But I also finally acknowledge that I am not a completely fearless wanderer, and I realize I am leaving a lot behind, but I am grateful to have a place, people and experiences that will all be waiting anxiously for me when I return.

 

I like my fear because it provides me with something to leave at the Cross. I leave my fear, anxiety and heart ache at the Cross. Rather, I pick up courage and intrigue for a very separate part of my life that God has planned.

(p.s. that is the first picture I ever saw of the U of A, when I literally googled “University of Arkansas”)

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Read more from Nicole at: https://nicolepacksherbags.wordpress.com/
Find out more about the ISA London: University of Westminster semester program at: http://studiesabroad.com/programs/country/england/city/london/duration/71/program/84